trying to spread the silliness

reflection

2009-10-14T03:10:00.000-07:00

I have never felt so alone in my life. Tonight I sat sobbing hysterically to an audience of dogs. I called those who I could and no one answered the phone. And I realized how utterly alone I am at this point in my life. I keep waiting for something to happen, for the sucking to stop, for the other shoe to finally drop so I know I am at the end of the tunnel. Have the hope that there is light. But tonight, I realized that the tunnel might never end. Life is a series of events and though we would like to have milestones often there are not these chapters, episodes, these beginnings and ends that are nice and neat.

I know that this very important thing in my life is over. I know that it has ended. despite all that I could ever do or hope for I know that what I had is now gone. I think part of the pain is from the fact that there was no definitive moment. I wish I had known that such and such thing was the last time. It is what I fear most. To live with the regret.

I remember my friend Travis who passed away at the beginning of my senior year of highschool. I remember seeing him that day at school and thinking that I should stop and say hi. But then I decided not to because he was chatting with other friends and I thought to myself that there is always the next time. Except this time there wasn't. My life is plagued by memories of these things. Like my memory of being six years old on my way to school and I wanted to say goodbye to my grandfather but I didn't because he was sleeping. I never saw him again.

I wish now that I knew. And with the death of this relationship it is almost like a death of any other kind. I wish I had know that it was our last kiss. I wish I had know it was the last time he would hold me like that. I wish I had known it was our last time making love. Because if I could go back I would cherish every moment. If I could I would go back and etch it into my mind for all eternity.

Its not so much about wanting it back. Its about the fact that I wish I had the proper chance to say goodbye. Somehow I think it would have made it easier to let go.

So now I find myself needing to find myself. I don't know who I am anymore. I know I need to do some soul searching but I feel as if I need to find something first before I even have the strength and the will to do that. I don't know what I am looking for. Just that I don't have it now and that I need to find it for myself

another year older and none the wiser

2009-09-25T01:07:00.000-07:00

its official i am another year older. This past year has been absolutely fucked up. Looking back to this time last year my life was so different in some ways and yet in the course of events it has been rather a wash. Last year I still had a marriage, and i was still in the hopeful honeymoon period of a new job. Today i am alone and unemployed. This has been really hard on me this past year. I guess i have always lived in such a way that i was always trying to strive for something bigger, better, more advanced. But really since graduating with my MBA my life has stalled and rolled backwards.

It was also my 5th anniversary on my birthday (i know in hindsight deciding to get married on my birthday was not the best idea in the world). It is amazing how much has happened in 5 years. On the one hand it seems like it was just yesterday that he was my whole world and the core of my life. I can still feel that person still feel the ghost of that security in which i never thought i would be without him. I was so delusional. I actually thought that no matter what...NO MATTER WHAT...that we would somehow find a way through. I had some insane idea that we could break all the confines and rules of well everything to find some compromise that would work. i actually thought for a time that though he might move out and get his own place we would still love and be in love and that we would still be together...just non traditional.

now...now i am still reeling. but i think i have hit bottom over this past year. I need to find out who i am now. What life i am to lead, what path i am to follow. I need to find a job, first and foremost and then perhaps from the security of not fearing being broke i can contemplate the state of brokeness in other arenas

groundhog day

2009-09-09T18:47:00.000-07:00

so like it seems repeats itself and presents me with the same decisions...kinda

last time this year i had finally ended months of unemployment and was presented with two prospects

1. job at bank that was close to home. didn't pay too well but it was a job

2. job at nearby city, with hour commute each way, paid better than option 1 and had potential for personal and professional growth.

at the time i was still married and had a husband on crutches at home. so i made choice 1. worst decision making for a long time. My god that job was absolute and complete hell and i got fired in the end anyway for being too ethical...

Now again it is september. I just had an interview for a project coordinator job that is about an hour away from my current home. Once again, they pay is fairly good considering the local market and this economy and its a position that offers lots of growth opportunities.

i also have a pending interview with a credit union for a lower paying but closer to home job. Granted this would be a credit union and less sleazy than the bank where i worked. They have a limited and concentrated membership and i wouldn't be spending my days desperately making cold calls and trying to scam people.

but SERIOUSLY, is it deja vu or is it just me? weird huh?

of course this may all turn out to be nothing at all. god do i know. i have had about as many job interviews as months of unemployment...speaking of which i am panicking as my unemployment benefits are about to run out, end of the month or so. hopefully i will qualify for an extension.

so wish me luck and good sense i guess

freak out

2009-08-06T18:16:00.001-07:00

so i have an anxiety disorder...apparently and its been acting up as of late. Now i am totally freaking out. I am leaving in a few hours to begin a much dreaded journey on a much dreaded family vacation.

We are going on a cruise to alaska for a week. while this might sound fun, relaxing/exciting to a normal human, for me its put me into a fit.

1. i hate traveling. Not that i hate the actual traveling itself but i get extremely stressed about leaving my house, about packing, about making sure things just don't randomly go to hell

2. I hate leaving my dogs, though i am leaving them with my ex who is more than capable of taking care of them when i am out of town i hate leaving my dogs for any amount of time. I freak out leaving them for a week end when i am gonna be 2 hours away and i can call the whole time

3. did i mention i will NOT have phone or internet access for the whole entire time?!?!?!?!?

4. my parents STRESS ME OUT!!!!!! Its an ordeal for me mentally to go visit them once a week for a few hours. the thought of being trapped on a boat with them for a week is well....its giving me hives and panick attacks

5. last time i went on vacation with my parents i had my then husband with me and we went to china. Even with my ex there for moral support and acting as some sort of buffer the experience was very stressful and i ened up in tears many a times

as of right now i am racking my brain for anything i have missed....

i have also see my doctor yesterday and gotten a perscription for general anxiety and as an extra booster i got myself a bunch of ativan to add to it if i completely freak out and lose my mind.

I keep telling myself it will be fine, its only 7 days...it will be fine....i will survive, everyone will survive....it might actually be okay....its only 7 days....now excuse me while i hyperventilate.

my god its been a long time

2009-07-27T00:15:00.000-07:00

i guess its been forever cause i was avoiding it. well update first.
1. i lost my first 10 lbs
2. i won my unemployment hearing
3. i am still unemployed
4. i sold my first piece to a male customer (at least that i am aware of...i guess the others could be using their girlfriend/sister/mother/daughter/friend' s accounts)

Things were going relatively well for a while then about mid month last month i started having a real falling down. I was turned down for a job that i really really wanted, and to make it suck worse i was 1 of 2 finalists. Now i know, lots of people tell me that i should be proud to have been a finalist and to feel better but sadly this fact makes me feel worse and not better. I mean this is not some beauty pageant where second place also gets a consolation prize.

So that was the beginning of the suckage. then some other things not worth mentioning happened, the overall end result is i am out a gym buddy and a gym habit. the upside to this is I have now got the p90x and have made 3 separate half-assed attempts to begin.

Then came July and with it I caught an awful flu which then turned into a sinus infection which then infected my lungs and then i managed to top it all off by coughing it into my ears and getting an infection there. That period was a real low as i realized how much it sucks to be alone and single as i pretty much spent a week alone quarantined to my home sick as a dog. then i had to call everyone i know and beg for a ride to urgent care.

Then things kept going down hill, i got involved in an awful situation that one of my friends was in and it was super stressful and then it was all topped off my having The Other melt down on me and divorcing the dogs.

In my way i have attempted to pick myself back up. In my OCD ness i ended up cleaning for 12 hours straight (let me tell you, the shark steam pocket steam mop is the most awesome thing in the whole wide world and i am absolutely in love with it) but then i spent 3 days pretty much in my house moping around in pjs as the crazy that has infected my life for so long spilled out of my controll and spilled into the lives of a few people i care deeply about.

Now I am trying to pick up myself and the pieces. Enough is enough. I have a new job interview on tuesday and i need to be in a better mental and emotional space before I walk in there. I am restarting my excercising tomorrow and also i have done pretty good in terms of keeping my house fairly clean after the intital frenzy

the good, the bad and the ugly

2009-05-26T21:26:00.000-07:00

The Good:
- I have finally passed 5 lbs in weight loss and have lost a complete 3 inches from my waist! hurray. Another 2 inches and I can break out my "skinny" clothes
- I have gotten a third interview (more explanation later in the bad)
- I have started fixing my sleep schedule and has now for 3 nights fell asleep before dawn and awaken before/by noon
- I chopped off all my hair, i went from hair past my waist to an a-line bob around my chin and I had red and copper highlights put in

The Bad:
- Though making progress measurement wise i have not made the progress i wanted poundage wise...i know i know muscle weighs more than fat...but still, it kinda makes me grumpy
- The heating unit is acting up and my april electricity bill was (again) about 50 bucks higher than usual
- My backyard seems to be some sort of insane small critter death trap. To date over about 3 weeks time I have found 3 juvenile possums in my yard, 1 playing dead and the other 2 actually dead. Both times with the dead ones I don't think my dogs got them as they did not play with them or toss them around or even look vaguely interested in the general area
- I have now been interviewing for the same job for about 3 weeks, still have no idea what it pays as they refuse to discuss it or even mention a range till you make it through all 3 interviews and get chosen, at which time they will give an offer...starting to feel like a moron jumping through hoops
- Starting to run out of savings and starting to get really nervous...see below

The UGLY
-Wells Fargo is now challenging my unemployment. To catch up anyone who is behind, when they appealed it the first time the Unemployment Department did an investigation and found that I had been fired for "no reason pertaining to job performance". I guess that wasn't good enough cause now I have to go and attend a stupid hearing, the time of which I don't know yet, and if I lose the appeal not only could I lose my unemployment but I might have to pay it all back.

setback

2009-05-14T23:18:00.000-07:00

i had a bit of a falling down this past week. I don't know what is wrong with me but i have been feeling like crap

I had a job interview on tuesday, i am not sure how it went but i should find out tomorrow or monday if i move on to the next interview (there are 3) I think i am so traumatized by how bad my last job was that i have psychological issues from it. I started having all these nightmares that obviously bespoke my underlying fears. I had a dream where i was a waitress again and i could not do a single thing right. i gave the customers the wrong menu, could not write down the order correctly, dropped stuff...argh.

Also for the last few weeks i have been pretty isolated. I just have been keeping to myself. Yesterday was the worst though, i didn't make it out of the house for the first time in a long time. I did not go work out, I did not actually cook anything. I just ended up staying home all day and pretty much sleeping the whole day away. I woke up at noon, went back to bed by 4 woke up at 9, then went back to bed i don't know when and slept till this afternoon.

but little steps matter, and today i at least got out of the house for about 2 hours. I went to the gym, not my usual calibre of work out but still i was there about 50 minuets and i went to the library and the grocery store and made myself a healthy meal. I bought myself some skinny cow ice cream treats cause i was all depressed the other day in dairy mart cause i wanted an ice cream treat and couldn't have one cause every single one was like 350+ calories. at least this way i will not feel trapped, i can have a treat if i want to and it won't defeat my progress so far...

tomorrow is another day, its supposed to be beautiful, i am determined to defeat the rest of the jungle that is my back yard so i can have some semblance of a garden...

catch up

2009-05-06T01:10:00.000-07:00

sorry its been so long, life is blurring together and things have been...well...things

I started eating better and working out this past month, i have actually kept it up for a bit over a month now. I have only lost 3 lbs but have lost almost 2 inches off my waist, so i guess that is good. Right now this is all i have the mental energy to focus on. Eating right and working out. That is it. I have no mental energy to clean my house, to work on my garden, to figure out my finances. About once a week or more depending on my mental state i freak out and end up applying for a whole bunch of jobs. But as ever i have yet to hear anything back from any of the jobs i have applied for.

The main thing right now is to not only find a job but a job that pays me enough to not put me in a worse situation than the one i am already in. Currently between unemployment, food stamps and the deferment of my student loans I would have to get a job that paid at least 10 dollars an hour for me to not be worse off financially, and i would have to work full time. How fucked up is that!

So at least for the moment i am shooting at jobs that pay at least 12 dollars/hour (i figure in the opportunity cost of my time, i.e. right now i have the time to focus on working out everyday and making healthy meals, which is something i had never been able to do while working) and is full time. Later on in a few months when my unemployment runs out then i will be more desperate and scrounging the bottom of the barrel.

Honestly the other aspects of my life are so equally Fucked that I do not have the heart to even write it down. Except to say its amazing how quickly people can cut you out of their lives and pretend like you were never a part of it.

FYI

2009-04-25T09:06:00.000-07:00

In recognition of the current economic conditions i have gone through and significantly reduced the price of all jewelry listed on Etsy.

channeling Chaka Khan

2009-04-01T01:26:00.000-07:00

last night i was up late watching TV with my friend snuggled up with our dogs and we had some real good heart to heart conversations and it dawned on me that Damn it, I used to be HOT!

I honestly believe that at some point in every woman's life she deserves to feel that she is hot and sexy and gorgeous and that there is no guy that is out of her league. I used to have that feeling...I used to be able to walk in to a club, a bar, anywhere and know that I was a good looking girl and that I was a catch. I used to be able to walk into a room with confidence and know that whomever i encounter will find me a person of value with something to offer.

Now i don't mean to come off arrogant or delusional. And its not that i claim to be the next Angelina Jolie. Its more about the attitude, the mind set, the confidence. And i realize that over the last 5 years I have slowly lost my POWER. And now I want my Power back.

I am tired of feeling like a wash out, like a left over, like a discard. I am tired of feeling pathetic and fat and ugly. I am tired of feeling like a has been. I am tired of being tired of myself and my life.

So starting yesterday I have begun to work out again. I want to regain my health, my strength, my figure, my confidence, my power

inspiration

2009-03-20T18:18:00.000-07:00

I am back home now, and i will eventually finish the tale of the rest of my time in SF, but for now this is on my mind and has been for a few days so here we go...

Things my cousin has inspired for me
(now before you read this and think i am weird just keep in mind that things have not exactly been easy for me and i had hit quite a slump)

1. Brush your teeth twice a day - i know, every dentist tells you this and i should know better, but honestly when you are depressed, personal hygiene sometimes takes a back seat. What is impressive about my cuz is that he does it even if he comes home at 4am completely wasted, now that is dedication

2. fold my laundry after every load...once again, i know i know, but to me this is big

3. keep the house simple and clean

4. buy fresh groceries and make delicious meals for myself. - the revelation here is that though my cousin could easily be the average boy and live off pizza and frozen food because he lives alone and also has the funds to support a lifestyle of eating out every meal, he does not do it. By watching him shop frugally but intelligently and make wonderful creations almost every night I was impressed with both his ability and the do-ability of the task. If my cousin who works full time can do this every day, then i who is unemployed can life off of something other than frozen/instant food.

5. being active, staying healthy - my cousin is in amazing shape (granted he is asian). He drinks quite a bit but man there is no hint of beer belly on this guy. He goes for 3 hours rock climbing sessions after a full day of work and he still has energy! I personally have no interest in rock climbing but i can at least walk for an hour a day and do a few crunches

6. my cousin has a life out side of work - when i was working i was so miserable that i felt like it consumed my life. by the time i got home after work and put my stuff down i felt like the whole day was over and that i had no time before going to bed. then i would putter around and dink on the computer or something else inane before going to bed way too late anyways all the time feeling like i did not have time. My cousin on the other hand works full time and still has a very full and fulfilling social life. He goes out, sees friends, has them over, exercises, participates in community and cultural events all the while being able to work and do good. This i find to be perhaps the most inspirational aspect of his life as i observed it. I gave me hope that one day i too will find a job i love that i can do good at and ALSO have a life outside of work. In my life up to this point there always felt like there were not enough hours in a day and that i was not doing enough of what i wanted to do with my life. My cousin has shown me that it is an issue of perception and attitude and he has given me hope.

7. Finally, my cousin shows me that there are men out there who are grown up, mature, sophisticated, fun, caring, successful, CLEANS UP AFTER THEMSELVES, and giving. Though this one is related, spending time with him and his friends gives me hope of meeting one such as them in time

okay where was i...?

2009-03-17T18:22:00.000-07:00

so Saturday

woke up early after crazy friday night and decided that i am going to get some of the sights off my list of stuff i wanted to see. So after some googling i hoped the light rail and went to golden gate park. On the agenda was the Conservatory of flowers and also the SF Botanical Gardens. gotta love that SF architecture, near the sunset area

I got onto the light rail, got off about 2 stops early but it was okay cause i ended up walking the rest of the way and stopped at a cute little thai restaurant on the way because i knew that i was planning on much walking and last night's drinks weren't gonna cut it fuel wise...also to my annoyance i had walked to 3 starbucks within walking distance of my cousin's place on the embarcadero and EVERY SINGLE ONE WAS CLOSED!!! I hate this economy...no starbucks on weekends in the embarcadero/financial district...

So i arrived at the conservatory

It was beautiful...i have a weakness for old victorian style wood and glass conservatories, i harbor secret fantasies of being the docent for a botanical garden/conservatory in britain
Inside the conservatory, I took lots of pics of flowers inside

then i meandered over to the botanical garden. It is very very large. The day i went it was a bit overcast but at least i arrived in spring so there were blooms and other growths. i would like to return one day in the summer and see how different it would look.

once again lots of pics of flowers, which i will not bore everyone with, though i noticed that i am most attracted to very very tiny flowers in clusters especially the ones where you have to look really close to see that it is even a blossom

a little too much fun

2009-03-14T03:53:00.000-07:00

so lets get started...

Thursday.

Spent wednesday night with family in Oakland, spent morning getting dim sum. Passed out around 2-5pm and woke to news that we were going out. Initially i was told that i was going to my cousin's best friend's house for greek dinner...i thought maybe one or two additional people, small midweek dinner at friends...i was wrong. me and some guy at the party

Ended up being a huge party and it was pretty fun. met some nice people and sang some drunk songs. Overall
1. officially smoked a hookah
2. flirted with hot german guy (and by flirted i mean at least on my part) me with cute german (3rd from the left and my cousin alex playing guitar in the back)

3. found out about couch surfing

Friday

spent morning and afternoon with family. met some really cute kids who are my second cousins once removed. Saw a bit of castro and noe valley. Came home, thought we were having quite evening. went to borders and had dinner at a neat little place in chinatown. Came back to trying to decide what to watch on free on demand...

evening part II, cousins friend shows up and after much deep philosophysing got talked into going out. Problem...(a) it was already 12:30am (b) was hoping for early night and catch up on sleep (c) had no going out appropriate clothing nor makeup. Long story short, was dragged into going out, put my hair up and slapped on alot of liquid eyeliner and heels

we catch a cab out to the mission area and went to my first official dance club that is not the stupid cheesy one in my hometown. Wandered around with drunken party (i only had 1 drink so this was hilarious in itself) and had a bacon wrapped hot dog from little hotdog stand run by spanish speaking meat vendors vendor at which they sell bacon wrapped hot dogs with grilled onions

all in all the night ended well, the necessary peeing in alley was done by at least one party in our entourage and someone else hurt themselves (only very slightly...but it did draw blood) doing something dumb...what a night

arrival

2009-03-08T15:02:00.000-07:00

I have arrived and survived and all in one piece. The train ride was better than i expected, its my first time ever on a train and i slept fairly well all things considered (i had the first seat in the car so i was right by the doors leading to the other cars...every five minuets loud door opening and lights) though it probably helped that by the time i got on the train i had been awake for about 23 hours.This is where my bus offloaded in SF

Did not get to see much scenery as it was dark but the view from the observation car was still fairly impressive as it was lit up by snow and a full moon.

Got to SF is the morning, my cousin picked me up and first order of business was for some good chinese dim sum...yummmm

i think we are just gonna take it easy here for the day and kick it, we have dinner plans with family and more good chinese food for the evening so hurray! oh and my cuz was kind enough to put out and air bed so i don't even have to sleep on the couch

on the knitting end i have cast on for my cousin's present, but being a moron and sleep deprived i have somehow failed to join in the round and did not realize it until halfway through the round...uhhh...maybe i should give it a try later

i finally made it out the door

2009-03-11T17:39:00.001-07:00

so after a few days of battling tiredness and depression i finally made it out the door of my cousin's apartment and went to do stuff. Below is a pic of my cousin's apartment, its right off the bay on south beachI walked to fisherman's wharf with the intent of going to the aquarium but then decided when i got there that i didn't want to pay 16 bucks to go to the aquarium as 1) there is a great aquarium in Oregon that i can go to with my godson and 2) there is an aquarium at the california academy of science which i plan to go to later on.

So pretty much i walked most of the length of the embarcadero and had lunch at the pier at the crab house. It was a bit of a splurge but it was great, i had pan seared crab, mussels and shrimp.then i just walked around the embarcadero and took every opportunity to sit down as i am a big dork and went out in my high heel boots

when the going gets tough..

2009-03-07T03:10:00.000-08:00

i am going to San Francisco tomorrow for an indeterminate period of time, might be a week or two, haven't quite decided yet. actually to be honest its not even really my idea to go but my parents have decided that i need a mental health break and has determined that i need to go out of town. As i have much family in the bay area it was decided that this would be the cheapest way for me to go as far as i can afford. I am leaving tomorrow in the evening on Amtrak, will be my first train ride ever and hopefully it will be better than the greyhound. though last time i went on a trip like this i had a husband to go with me. so really other than some trips when i was a kid this is the farthest i will have gone on my own.

i know i should be excited and i know that this is a great opportunity to have some fun and enjoy myself but truth be told i am not really into it right now. i think i will feel differently when i get there but for now it feels stressful to have to pack and be ready to go. Being as OCD and a worry wort as i am it is crazy making this traveling on my own thing. i worry if i will forget something though i know its dumb because i am just going to San Francisco and not the end of the world and if i forget something i can always buy it there and i will survive...at least so my brain tells me.

i don't like leaving so much unfinished and up in the air at home but i have to face the fact that
1. it will still be here when i get back
2. its not like alot is happening anyways (applied for food stamps, can't apply for unemployment till April and the job search as most of the US knows is sucking)
3. i am in a slump and need a break from my life

but still, i worry. i am sure i have pack far too much clothes and brought too much with me to do. in my paranoia i have packed:
1. my laptop
2. my ipod
3. 2 novels
4. a book of crossword puzzels
5. yarn and needles for the neck gaiter i want to knit my cousin during my 14 hr train ride
6. another knitting project in progress

and that is so far....

my dogs will be fine, their daddy is coming over to stay at my place while i am gone. and really the world will go on. The only time sensitive thing is that i have not planted my spring bulbs in the garden but the truth is i don't have the bed dug yet so tough i guess

i am anticipating regularly updating during my trip, wish me luck!

a sense of purpose

2009-02-16T04:10:00.000-08:00

These last few days, well a week, has been spent in blatant avoidance of my current situation. I confess that i have now totally screwed up my sleep schedule and stayed up till morning watching TV shows on DVD. I have spent more than i should on frivorlous things despite my lack of income and a part of me is pretty sure that is my own inner rebellion from recognizing the situation.

Honestly right now i am not sure where i am and where i am supposed to be. I had a plan of where i thought i was and where i thought i was going and slowly, slowly, and then all too quickly things have crumbled beneath me and now i am lost and back to square one. Perhaps i am avoiding getting down to business with the search for a new job because i am not sure what i am doing and which direction i should be heading. Heck i don't even know what city i will/should be in.

This last weekend was nice and i spent some time with the estranged half for Valentines day. My gift was that we all take a nap together, me, him and the dogs. To just be a family again in the simplest sense of a puppy pile all snoring away in the afternoon. It was wonderful and heartbreaking at the same time. It was everything that i had hoped it to be and more. But it also gave me a very painful glimpse of what i had loved so much and why i had held on so tightly for so long. It was a slice of what could have been.

More and more i find that i am confronted with these slices both in terms of this relationship as well as the rest of my life. There is so much of what could have been and no idea of what i want to be

I am in a treasury!

2009-02-13T13:08:00.000-08:00

One of my pieces is featured in a Etsy Treasury!

Thanks Abbagirl!

Come click on stuff and help it rise!

being philosophical

2009-02-07T18:44:00.000-08:00

so as some might know i got fired on Wednesday, and on my way home from said firing i got a traffic ticket. then later that day i caught the pukeing disease that has been running around. so yeah, its been quite a week.

on the being fired front i am currently disputing it with HR as there has been some really shady stuff going on where i work and in fact i was told that there is currently an investigation going on, but i don't find out till next week, so who knows. All i care at this point is that they can't challenge my unemployment claim.

All in all i am feeling pretty philosophical about the whole thing (in between episodes of violent crimson rage) and with a little lubrication from some libations i have been doing okay all things considered.

I realized that something in my life needed to change and maybe this is the world's way of making sure that i snapped out of the vicious hole of shit that was my life. Lets face it, i was miserable and i was coming home from work and crying about 4 out of 5 days of working. I hated it so much that i would lose sleep dreading the next day and my weekends were awful as i would start getting depressed by saturday night about the up comming week. On top of all that i am not a quitter and as much as i hated it i still went in everyday and gave it my all. The truth is i didn't have it in me to quit, i was too scared and too determined and this just pushed my hand.

So now i have the time i have been needing to work on my resume, the time i needed to put full energy into finding another job and finally for the first time in over 5 years some time for myself. My first act of giving time to myself is to take this weekend off and not worry about anything. Next week i will take care of the time sensitive necessary things (applying for food stamps, unemployment, forebearance on student loans) and then it will be time to look at my life, regroup and start over. I need to focus on my health, both physical and mental and to create a life for myself and my dogs. I need a life where i don't cry on almost a daily basis, where i can be healthy and where i can have time for the things i love like my dogs, gardening, knitting, beading.

so i am off to have some ice cream, watch some tv and catch up on some good reads

some thought

2009-01-29T23:07:00.000-08:00

though i have not quite thought it through all the way i figured posting it here would make it stick more...so here are some things i have been thinking about for the new year

1. design my life for one - right now i think i am going nuts because i am trying to run a life that was designed for two people. And well, one of them jumped ship and now i am trying to hold together something that is too big for me. So i have to take a good look at myself and my life and figure out how to make it all work for just me and dogs.

2. develop new routines - me and the doggies are routine oriented and needful people. I have got to figure out a way to live my life that lets me fit in everything that i want and everything that i need...so...for starters, being able to have healthy meals and being able to work and take care of business

3. reorganize house/home for myself and my lifestyle - see #1 and #2...and then figure something out that works

well that is enough for now i guess...too tired to think such big thoughts

Some cheese with that whine?

2009-01-25T00:10:00.000-08:00

Alright so i am double posting today cause i feel that i might have been a bit negative for a while...so here are some good things that came out of the past year

1. started own business - this one is pretty big. though i do not work on this as much as i should it is nonetheless something i am proud of myself for. Also starting Random Notions has led me to meet many people both in reality and virtually whom i would not have met otherwise.

2. started making jewelry and crafting - once again, i am proud of this because a) i did not think i had it in me before and b) i gave me an outlet and form of expression that i did not have before

3. started knitting - though it has eaten a large chunk of my wallet this is perhaps my biggest achievement of the year. Though i don't knit as often now as when i first started i am nonetheless proud of the items i have made, the stash i have collected and thoroughly enjoy this hobby i have become passionate about. Also it introduced me to Lime N Violet and the associated community of warm funny and wonderful people in that world.

4. Graduated from MBA program - though so far all this has done is to make me over qualified for most jobs that are available, i am sure at some point this will pay off....

5. Moved out of cramped living quarters - for the first time in many many years i am living in an actual house that actually has enough space for all my crap

6. proved to myself that i am stronger than i thought i was. - there were many things in this past year that followers of my blogs and plurks will know i have gone through. these were some of the hardest things i have ever had to deal with in my life. and in the end though, despite the lickin' i took and the fact that i am still trying to recover i have to admit that i did come through it better than i thought i would. I might not be happy right now, and i am definitely still wounded and hurting but the fact that i SURVIVED is something i should pat myself on the back for....

alright enough of this sicky sweet stuff....bed calls

In the face of a new year

2009-01-24T23:48:00.000-08:00

Its now technically almost chinese new years eve. my family did all the preparations and stuff a day early cause we all work and stuff and today was the only day we could all get together. I know I didn't post the obligatory new years post when the rest of western blogdom did...i claim my heritage for the delay and besides now its for real.

So it turns out that last year was the year of my chinese zodiac and as such it is believed that the year of your zodiac is a difficult year for those belonging to it. Considering the fact that last year was probably the worst year ever so far in the history of my admittedly short span of life i look forward to moving past all the bad mojo and into something...anything....better than last year.

This past week has sucked hard. My pitbull ate a gardening glove which then got stuck in his gut and then he almost died and we had to get him to the vet and he had to have surgery which cost around 2000 with 700 needed on the day of surgery for down payment. My other dog has developed emotional behavorial problems due to the separation between myself and DH and therefore has had to spend his weekdays with Daddy so that I can manage a somewhat sane life. The consequences of that ended up being that my youngest dog who stayed with me the whole time also developed issues from loneliness as he had never been without his brother before.

At least though for tonight the pitbull is recovering and happy, both the little dogs are at home now and together and quite frankly i am too darned tired to think of any resolutions....

damed x-mas hat

2008-12-25T22:30:00.000-08:00

so i am a masochist, i admit it. I was up till 3am Christmas eve knitting a hat for my estranged husband. Granted we are trying to have an amicable parting but it was probably a stupid thing for me to do none the less, but i figured that it is something on my list of stuff i always wanted to do for him and well...if i give it to him this year it would be less awkward than giving it to him next year...who knows where we will be then

so here is my first grown person sized hat, it was okay though i think i screwed up on part of the decreases and also next time i need to make it longer including the ribbing so that you can fold up the brim without it looking like a yarmulke...oh and i seriously underestimated the amount of yarn needed. but all in all it went pretty well.

I used a weaver's join when i changed colors and it worked out pretty well, i figured i couldn't use a spit join and have the color transition look neat. also i have definitely improved in combating the laddering that happens when knitting in the round in magic loop, though in hindsight it might just be that i was using bigger yarn and it just covers it up better

why i have been absent

2008-12-09T20:16:00.000-08:00

mostly because my life right now is sucking eggs like there is no tomorrow....

1. i hate my job...i am not cut out for sales, and to my credit i did not realize that my job was mostly sales until i have started...now i am desperately trying to find another job in an economy that is definitely lacking. At this point i am more desperate for a job than i was when i was unemployed. anything anything anything right now is better than the stress, pressure and depression i am going through due to this job. though underpaid as is, i am to the point where i am willing to be even more underpaid to make the insanity stop

2. i have officially separated from my husband of 4 years (been dating off and on for 12 years) he has officially moved out (day before thanksgiving) oh happy joyous holiday for me

3. i am broke and about to be broker...just spent 250 bucks on my dogs for vet bills and need to spend another 550 more in the next week

4. need to find a place to live that is not the property of my estranged husband's parents

so yeah...shit happens

new type of stuff

2008-10-30T20:33:00.000-07:00

i have made my first baby beanie which gives me kudos on 2 areas, both the baby accoutrement area and the head gear arena. Sweet.

I have learned that

1. trying to make a baby hat all via magic look works but gets a little weird towards the end
2. I can see why some would switch to DPNs towards the end
3. Baby stuff goes so much faster than grown people stuff
4. hats are kinda fun once the decreases start as it magically turns from a tube top to hat within 15 rows

1 baby hat down, at least 1 more to go (assuming no one else gets knocked up soon)

and i am even toying with the idea of grown people hats...

Oh there would be pics but my camera is totally out of batteries and we have some how misplaced the charger...