the good, the bad and the ugly

The Good:
- I have finally passed 5 lbs in weight loss and have lost a complete 3 inches from my waist! hurray. Another 2 inches and I can break out my "skinny" clothes
- I have gotten a third interview (more explanation later in the bad)
- I have started fixing my sleep schedule and has now for 3 nights fell asleep before dawn and awaken before/by noon
- I chopped off all my hair, i went from hair past my waist to an a-line bob around my chin and I had red and copper highlights put in

The Bad:
- Though making progress measurement wise i have not made the progress i wanted poundage wise...i know i know muscle weighs more than fat...but still, it kinda makes me grumpy
- The heating unit is acting up and my april electricity bill was (again) about 50 bucks higher than usual
- My backyard seems to be some sort of insane small critter death trap. To date over about 3 weeks time I have found 3 juvenile possums in my yard, 1 playing dead and the other 2 actually dead. Both times with the dead ones I don't think my dogs got them as they did not play with them or toss them around or even look vaguely interested in the general area
- I have now been interviewing for the same job for about 3 weeks, still have no idea what it pays as they refuse to discuss it or even mention a range till you make it through all 3 interviews and get chosen, at which time they will give an offer...starting to feel like a moron jumping through hoops
- Starting to run out of savings and starting to get really nervous...see below

The UGLY
-Wells Fargo is now challenging my unemployment. To catch up anyone who is behind, when they appealed it the first time the Unemployment Department did an investigation and found that I had been fired for "no reason pertaining to job performance". I guess that wasn't good enough cause now I have to go and attend a stupid hearing, the time of which I don't know yet, and if I lose the appeal not only could I lose my unemployment but I might have to pay it all back.

setback

i had a bit of a falling down this past week. I don't know what is wrong with me but i have been feeling like crap

I had a job interview on tuesday, i am not sure how it went but i should find out tomorrow or monday if i move on to the next interview (there are 3) I think i am so traumatized by how bad my last job was that i have psychological issues from it. I started having all these nightmares that obviously bespoke my underlying fears. I had a dream where i was a waitress again and i could not do a single thing right. i gave the customers the wrong menu, could not write down the order correctly, dropped stuff...argh.

Also for the last few weeks i have been pretty isolated. I just have been keeping to myself. Yesterday was the worst though, i didn't make it out of the house for the first time in a long time. I did not go work out, I did not actually cook anything. I just ended up staying home all day and pretty much sleeping the whole day away. I woke up at noon, went back to bed by 4 woke up at 9, then went back to bed i don't know when and slept till this afternoon.

but little steps matter, and today i at least got out of the house for about 2 hours. I went to the gym, not my usual calibre of work out but still i was there about 50 minuets and i went to the library and the grocery store and made myself a healthy meal. I bought myself some skinny cow ice cream treats cause i was all depressed the other day in dairy mart cause i wanted an ice cream treat and couldn't have one cause every single one was like 350+ calories. at least this way i will not feel trapped, i can have a treat if i want to and it won't defeat my progress so far...

tomorrow is another day, its supposed to be beautiful, i am determined to defeat the rest of the jungle that is my back yard so i can have some semblance of a garden...

catch up

sorry its been so long, life is blurring together and things have been...well...things

I started eating better and working out this past month, i have actually kept it up for a bit over a month now. I have only lost 3 lbs but have lost almost 2 inches off my waist, so i guess that is good. Right now this is all i have the mental energy to focus on. Eating right and working out. That is it. I have no mental energy to clean my house, to work on my garden, to figure out my finances. About once a week or more depending on my mental state i freak out and end up applying for a whole bunch of jobs. But as ever i have yet to hear anything back from any of the jobs i have applied for.

The main thing right now is to not only find a job but a job that pays me enough to not put me in a worse situation than the one i am already in. Currently between unemployment, food stamps and the deferment of my student loans I would have to get a job that paid at least 10 dollars an hour for me to not be worse off financially, and i would have to work full time. How fucked up is that!

So at least for the moment i am shooting at jobs that pay at least 12 dollars/hour (i figure in the opportunity cost of my time, i.e. right now i have the time to focus on working out everyday and making healthy meals, which is something i had never been able to do while working) and is full time. Later on in a few months when my unemployment runs out then i will be more desperate and scrounging the bottom of the barrel.

Honestly the other aspects of my life are so equally Fucked that I do not have the heart to even write it down. Except to say its amazing how quickly people can cut you out of their lives and pretend like you were never a part of it.

FYI

In recognition of the current economic conditions i have gone through and significantly reduced the price of all jewelry listed on Etsy.

channeling Chaka Khan

last night i was up late watching TV with my friend snuggled up with our dogs and we had some real good heart to heart conversations and it dawned on me that Damn it, I used to be HOT!

I honestly believe that at some point in every woman's life she deserves to feel that she is hot and sexy and gorgeous and that there is no guy that is out of her league. I used to have that feeling...I used to be able to walk in to a club, a bar, anywhere and know that I was a good looking girl and that I was a catch. I used to be able to walk into a room with confidence and know that whomever i encounter will find me a person of value with something to offer.

Now i don't mean to come off arrogant or delusional. And its not that i claim to be the next Angelina Jolie. Its more about the attitude, the mind set, the confidence. And i realize that over the last 5 years I have slowly lost my POWER. And now I want my Power back.

I am tired of feeling like a wash out, like a left over, like a discard. I am tired of feeling pathetic and fat and ugly. I am tired of feeling like a has been. I am tired of being tired of myself and my life.

So starting yesterday I have begun to work out again. I want to regain my health, my strength, my figure, my confidence, my power