reflection

I have never felt so alone in my life. Tonight I sat sobbing hysterically to an audience of dogs. I called those who I could and no one answered the phone. And I realized how utterly alone I am at this point in my life. I keep waiting for something to happen, for the sucking to stop, for the other shoe to finally drop so I know I am at the end of the tunnel. Have the hope that there is light. But tonight, I realized that the tunnel might never end. Life is a series of events and though we would like to have milestones often there are not these chapters, episodes, these beginnings and ends that are nice and neat.

I know that this very important thing in my life is over. I know that it has ended. despite all that I could ever do or hope for I know that what I had is now gone. I think part of the pain is from the fact that there was no definitive moment. I wish I had known that such and such thing was the last time. It is what I fear most. To live with the regret.

I remember my friend Travis who passed away at the beginning of my senior year of highschool. I remember seeing him that day at school and thinking that I should stop and say hi. But then I decided not to because he was chatting with other friends and I thought to myself that there is always the next time. Except this time there wasn't. My life is plagued by memories of these things. Like my memory of being six years old on my way to school and I wanted to say goodbye to my grandfather but I didn't because he was sleeping. I never saw him again.

I wish now that I knew. And with the death of this relationship it is almost like a death of any other kind. I wish I had know that it was our last kiss. I wish I had know it was the last time he would hold me like that. I wish I had known it was our last time making love. Because if I could go back I would cherish every moment. If I could I would go back and etch it into my mind for all eternity.

Its not so much about wanting it back. Its about the fact that I wish I had the proper chance to say goodbye. Somehow I think it would have made it easier to let go.

So now I find myself needing to find myself. I don't know who I am anymore. I know I need to do some soul searching but I feel as if I need to find something first before I even have the strength and the will to do that. I don't know what I am looking for. Just that I don't have it now and that I need to find it for myself

another year older and none the wiser

its official i am another year older. This past year has been absolutely fucked up. Looking back to this time last year my life was so different in some ways and yet in the course of events it has been rather a wash. Last year I still had a marriage, and i was still in the hopeful honeymoon period of a new job. Today i am alone and unemployed. This has been really hard on me this past year. I guess i have always lived in such a way that i was always trying to strive for something bigger, better, more advanced. But really since graduating with my MBA my life has stalled and rolled backwards.

It was also my 5th anniversary on my birthday (i know in hindsight deciding to get married on my birthday was not the best idea in the world). It is amazing how much has happened in 5 years. On the one hand it seems like it was just yesterday that he was my whole world and the core of my life. I can still feel that person still feel the ghost of that security in which i never thought i would be without him. I was so delusional. I actually thought that no matter what...NO MATTER WHAT...that we would somehow find a way through. I had some insane idea that we could break all the confines and rules of well everything to find some compromise that would work. i actually thought for a time that though he might move out and get his own place we would still love and be in love and that we would still be together...just non traditional.

now...now i am still reeling. but i think i have hit bottom over this past year. I need to find out who i am now. What life i am to lead, what path i am to follow. I need to find a job, first and foremost and then perhaps from the security of not fearing being broke i can contemplate the state of brokeness in other arenas

groundhog day

so like it seems repeats itself and presents me with the same decisions...kinda

last time this year i had finally ended months of unemployment and was presented with two prospects

1. job at bank that was close to home. didn't pay too well but it was a job

2. job at nearby city, with hour commute each way, paid better than option 1 and had potential for personal and professional growth.

at the time i was still married and had a husband on crutches at home. so i made choice 1. worst decision making for a long time. My god that job was absolute and complete hell and i got fired in the end anyway for being too ethical...

Now again it is september. I just had an interview for a project coordinator job that is about an hour away from my current home. Once again, they pay is fairly good considering the local market and this economy and its a position that offers lots of growth opportunities.

i also have a pending interview with a credit union for a lower paying but closer to home job. Granted this would be a credit union and less sleazy than the bank where i worked. They have a limited and concentrated membership and i wouldn't be spending my days desperately making cold calls and trying to scam people.

but SERIOUSLY, is it deja vu or is it just me? weird huh?

of course this may all turn out to be nothing at all. god do i know. i have had about as many job interviews as months of unemployment...speaking of which i am panicking as my unemployment benefits are about to run out, end of the month or so. hopefully i will qualify for an extension.

so wish me luck and good sense i guess

freak out

so i have an anxiety disorder...apparently and its been acting up as of late. Now i am totally freaking out. I am leaving in a few hours to begin a much dreaded journey on a much dreaded family vacation.

We are going on a cruise to alaska for a week. while this might sound fun, relaxing/exciting to a normal human, for me its put me into a fit.

1. i hate traveling. Not that i hate the actual traveling itself but i get extremely stressed about leaving my house, about packing, about making sure things just don't randomly go to hell

2. I hate leaving my dogs, though i am leaving them with my ex who is more than capable of taking care of them when i am out of town i hate leaving my dogs for any amount of time. I freak out leaving them for a week end when i am gonna be 2 hours away and i can call the whole time

3. did i mention i will NOT have phone or internet access for the whole entire time?!?!?!?!?

4. my parents STRESS ME OUT!!!!!! Its an ordeal for me mentally to go visit them once a week for a few hours. the thought of being trapped on a boat with them for a week is well....its giving me hives and panick attacks

5. last time i went on vacation with my parents i had my then husband with me and we went to china. Even with my ex there for moral support and acting as some sort of buffer the experience was very stressful and i ened up in tears many a times

as of right now i am racking my brain for anything i have missed....

i have also see my doctor yesterday and gotten a perscription for general anxiety and as an extra booster i got myself a bunch of ativan to add to it if i completely freak out and lose my mind.

I keep telling myself it will be fine, its only 7 days...it will be fine....i will survive, everyone will survive....it might actually be okay....its only 7 days....now excuse me while i hyperventilate.

my god its been a long time

i guess its been forever cause i was avoiding it. well update first.
1. i lost my first 10 lbs
2. i won my unemployment hearing
3. i am still unemployed
4. i sold my first piece to a male customer (at least that i am aware of...i guess the others could be using their girlfriend/sister/mother/daughter/friend' s accounts)

Things were going relatively well for a while then about mid month last month i started having a real falling down. I was turned down for a job that i really really wanted, and to make it suck worse i was 1 of 2 finalists. Now i know, lots of people tell me that i should be proud to have been a finalist and to feel better but sadly this fact makes me feel worse and not better. I mean this is not some beauty pageant where second place also gets a consolation prize.

So that was the beginning of the suckage. then some other things not worth mentioning happened, the overall end result is i am out a gym buddy and a gym habit. the upside to this is I have now got the p90x and have made 3 separate half-assed attempts to begin.

Then came July and with it I caught an awful flu which then turned into a sinus infection which then infected my lungs and then i managed to top it all off by coughing it into my ears and getting an infection there. That period was a real low as i realized how much it sucks to be alone and single as i pretty much spent a week alone quarantined to my home sick as a dog. then i had to call everyone i know and beg for a ride to urgent care.

Then things kept going down hill, i got involved in an awful situation that one of my friends was in and it was super stressful and then it was all topped off my having The Other melt down on me and divorcing the dogs.

In my way i have attempted to pick myself back up. In my OCD ness i ended up cleaning for 12 hours straight (let me tell you, the shark steam pocket steam mop is the most awesome thing in the whole wide world and i am absolutely in love with it) but then i spent 3 days pretty much in my house moping around in pjs as the crazy that has infected my life for so long spilled out of my controll and spilled into the lives of a few people i care deeply about.

Now I am trying to pick up myself and the pieces. Enough is enough. I have a new job interview on tuesday and i need to be in a better mental and emotional space before I walk in there. I am restarting my excercising tomorrow and also i have done pretty good in terms of keeping my house fairly clean after the intital frenzy